Song of the day October 16th, 2019 Comfortably Numb

Annual UKTV channel Gold poll. 2000 Brits voted their favourite festive gags, these are top 20. 20. What is Coleen Rooney's favourite Christmas game?A: Guess Who. 19. Q: What pantomime are the government doing this year?A: Chris Whittington. 18. Q: Why does Jackie Weaver control the weather at Christmas?A: She has snow authority. 17. Q: Why will Keir Starmer be sad on Christmas morning?A: He'll still have no presence. 16. Q: Which 'Friends' character nearly missed the 2021 Reunion Show due to the Test and Trace app?A: Chandler Ping. 15. Q: Which vaccine did the Three Wise Men have?A: The Wiser Jab. 14. Q: Why does Emma Raducanu get to carry the crystal glasses at Christmas dinner?A: They know she's unlikely to drop a set. 13. Q: Why did Matt Hancock have to buy his aide really expensive Christmas presents?A: She had him up against a wall. 12. Q: Why are we only having broccoli, cabbage and peas as veg this Christmas?A: Because 52% of the family said no to Brussels. 11. Q: Why does Christmas scrabble take so long with Boris Johnson?A: He keeps going back on his word. 10. Q: Why can Netflix afford calamari at Christmas?A: They're Squids in. 9. How do you know the heating bill for December is too high?A: Dad won't even let you open the windows on your advent calendar. 8. Q: Why didn't Santa replace Comet and Cupid when they left to become HGV drivers?A: It was just two deer. 7. Q: Why did Rudolph's nose have to self-isolate?A: It failed the lateral glow test. 6. Q: Which vaccine did Father Christmas get?A: Mince Pfizer. 5. Q: Which relative will not be at Chris Whitty's Christmas dinner?A: Aunty Vaxxer. 4. Q: What's Piers Morgan's favourite Christmas song?A: Walking off on air. 3. Q: Why won't Jeff Bezos, Elon Musk and Richard Branson see each other this Christmas?A: They all want space. 2. Q: Why is Christmas dinner vegan this year?A: Because Turkey is on the red list but vegetables are all green. 1. Q: Why are people cutting back on Brussels sprouts this Christmas?A: The cost of gas is too high. #joke #christmas #december Read more on page http://www.jokesoftheday.net

A guy walks into a pet shop looking for a pet, as he glanced into the back room he sees a beautiful parrot all alone in a cage so he said to the pet shop owner "is that parrot for sale?" "Not really said the shop owner you see I’ve sold him twice before but he always gets brought back because he is so big headed". The guy said "no problem I like a challenge so I’ll take him". When he get home with the parrot he takes the cover off the cage and immediately the parrot says "I’m a cockney parrot and I’m hard as fü@k", he keeps repeating it all afternoon. So, the guy thinks i'll cure him and he goes back to the pet shop and buys a kestrel, takes it home and the parrot immediately says "I’m a cockney parrot and I’m hard as fü@k", so the guy pops the kestrel in the cage and nothing happens. Next morning when he goes downstairs the Kestrel is dead at the bottom of the cage and not a feather ruffled on the parrot. "Told you" said the parrot, "I’m a cockney parrot and I’m hard as fü@k". Right said the guy I will cure you this time so he gets a Peregrine from the pet shop and again pops it in the cage with the parrot thinking this will sort him out! Still nothing happens. Next morning when he comes downstairs the Peregrine is dead on the bottom of the cage and not a feather ruffled on the parrot. "Told you" said the parrot, "I’m a cockney parrot and I’m hard as fü@k". The guy is really annoyed now so again visits the pet shop and gets a Golden Eagle thinking there is no way the parrot is going to do this bird. Again he pops the Eagle into the cage with the parrot and again nothing happens. Next morning when he comes downstairs he sees the Eagle dead at the bottom of the cage and the parrot without a single feather on his body. "What happened here", said the guy? "I had to take my coat off for that b@st@rd". #joke Read more on page http://www.jokesoftheday.net

Where do ghosts like to travel on vacation?The Dead Sea! What did the mother ghost say to the baby ghost as they drove down the street? Buckle your sheet bel #joke #halloween #short #halloween Read more on page http://www.jokesoftheday.net

What do French cannibals eat for breakfast? Hommelettes! #joke #short Read more on page http://www.jokesoftheday.net

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said. "Stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue." "What's this honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, its just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smith's for three days and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water". #joke Read more on page http://www.jokesoftheday.net